The end of the world

20/02/2026 - 11:50

today i woke up crying about all of the things that has (or hasn't) been happening lately. this has never happened in my life.

i've never felt such pain and that sentiment has turned into something my head cannot wrap itself around. whenever i got into this kind of situation i tried doing something else, looked at another direction of my life.

but this one has tainted everything i am to myself. i feel like i won't ever be able to get past these things i've done.

for the past few days i've been erratic - i feel like an animal filled up with anxiety, pacing around the corridor of my apartment for hours and hours. i started scratching my face with all of my strength while crying (another thing that worries me, my ever increasing tendency to self harm). i believe i ended up leaving some marks around my left eye. it feels like i am not able to think straight right now and whenever i get alone i start to completely freak out.

i don't want to be in my bedroom all day, but i also do not feel like i should go out - whenever i am starting to become a tad ill i get completely paranoid and hate the feeling i get when i go out.

not only that, but i absolutely despise escapism. i feel like dedicating my entire life to compensate for the things i've done to her, but right now i'm unable to do this (because none of my attempts at talking to her have been sucessful). and to me, doing anything else feels like escaping from this situation, it wouldn't help it. i cannot ignore something so fundamental to my life.

and there is a part of me that believes she wouldn't want me to escape from this. when i think about going out and trying to calm myself i imagine that she would think that i'm a coward, that i shouldn't be able to be better - that i still am the horrible boyfriend i was years ago. and when she ignores/blocks me, it sort of confirms these suspicions of mine.

but i haven't found a limit to this 'escapism hate'. i understand that i have to do things to feel better, but i don't know which ones i am allowed to do.

all i wanted to was to be her girlfriend. go out, talk to each other, dress each other up and give her all of the love in this world. but i will never be able to do that, even after being a much better person than the one i was before.

i am completely lost. i know that i have people to whom i could talk to about things, but no one should listen to me. they all have their own lives. i do not feel comfortable bringing up the exact same problem over and over and, even when i talk about it, there isn't anything they can do about it - and this is one of the things that are hurting me the most: i have to do these things, whatever they are. i am the only one that can dig me out of this situation.

but i can't bring myself to do it. i cannot do this on my own. i do not have the force nor the energy to do these things. i am completely ill..

i feel like i'm already dead, laying in my bedroom. my life has already ended.

i have to be honest and admit that i don't know what to do.