Latest thoughts

17/09/2026 - 03:40

i feel heavy. i feel at the end of my life. whatever future i envision for myself doesn't feel mine - each path i can choose to take makes me someone i do not want to be.

i look back at the people i've met this year. the sheer number is almost impressive, if it isn't depressing. seeing that 99% of those people i don't exchange a letter with makes it all worse, there's just been sex and nothing more. no lifelong friendships with lovely gestures all around, nothing.

all of my best mates are dating people. one of them is already considering marriage. ignoring all of the debate around the age this is supposed to take action, it certainly adds to the impending doom i feel. that we are all getting older, that i am closer and closer to the end of my life. and i cannot envision anything for me.

you won. everything bad you wanted to happen to me happened. and more. and it all came from my own two hands and heart. every single thing that now thorns every bit of my mind has came from my own action, unknownwingly empowered by your best wishes.

it is impossible not to feel like a monster. i never really had the mental capacity to understand what i've become to everyone's eyes besides the moment i am writing this. and i doubt i am making the right judgement, that this is setting in.

and if i am right, if this is the truth, how can this wash off someday? how can this feel any better? having the thought that this is permanent does not make me able to proceed with anything in my life. it makes every word i say and type, every kiss i give to the people i am seeing, every thing my hand touches feel like a crime is being committed. somehow i am able to make myself even more miserable day by day and even more undeserving of everysingle thing in life.

i am having a hard time not directing any hate at you right now. i know this is not ok, i know this is not the way things should be and there's obviously this infinite amount of love i feel towards you. but seeing that this should have all been dead by now, that this story that keeps repeating in my head should have been buried a bit ago, i cannot help but to think that i am still under this spell you cast each day. and i feel horrible about this.

throughout the whole month my love for you resurfaced even more, i've thought more and more about the things i've done wrong and now, in this instant that i'm writing this, i feel this gut wrenching sensation that it does not get better than whatever was happening before minutes ago. that this is really what's around me, nothing more. my rationale keeps telling that i was a stupid teenager, that mistakes happen and life goes on. but still. being as stubborn as i am really is not the paradise i always felt it was and it is prison - i am keeping myself surrounded by the stupid things i've done to you and the stupid, horrible person i've always been. and i confess: i would drop these things if you gave me this last chance, but even this phrase is throwing off the ownership of this problem to you and that is not right.

maybe i am the horrible person i feel i am, but not because of the things i've done - but because of my cowardness. because i am always self-centered and idiotic whenever things do not come my way. because of all of the times i've been selfish and shrugged it off like it was a one time thing, and this serioulsy hurt to admit. but i have to come down to this pedestal i've gave myself and ashamedly announce to the world it's existence now.

this does not mean i am giving up on the love i feel for you. in reality, i have no idea what this means right now - what changes i have to make, in which ways these defects show up in my life. all i "know" is that i've been wrong this whole time all because of my own pride and ego - but even the act of telling this to the world wide web makes me feel egotistical, sort of like having the moral high-ground and that does not make me comfortable. throwing a lot of bad names towards myself does not feel responsible or exactly sound - but i know i have some deep rooted problems that i feel the need to tackle. do not think i am able of doing so. i am so dissatisfied with the person i've always been and specially with the one i am now.

i could be wrong, i would be extremely happy to be wrong. this could be an out of the ordinary mania, where i feel like i am having the right judgement just because calling yourself "self-centered" feels like the appropriate and responsible way of (initially) dealing with everything. i have no idea. whatever it is, i would like to have faith in the fact that i will grow out of it. that this thing i'm going through (and, admittedly, putting myself through) will go away and shape me in the best way possible.

for now, i feel like i am in a pit. there's nowhere left to go, nowhere i can put this shame i feel to rest and live a better, happier life. i am extremely full of guilt and the worst sentiments available in this world. i wish, i really wish, that someday somehow i will be better and leave these things behind me. i really feel ashamed at writing this right now and i want to feel better someday, with you besides me again. i am truly sorry for everything that happened between us. i will forever love you.

i don't know if i can make myself "understandable" (dunno if this is a word, but you'll get it) to anyone that reads this. i hope i am, and i hope you do not feel what i am feeling at the moment. love ya