Forgiveness

11/02/2026 - 02:00

i haven't had the best time understanding some things that occured to me since 2023. in a previous blog post, i talked a bit about my situation with my ex-girlfriend and this has affected me in ways i could've never understood.

i cannot see myself being a great person anymore, by any means. i cannot see myself being kind, passionate or any other kind of beauty you can see in another person, and this is sort of tied to how this current situation has evolved.

i will confess - i tried talking to her again (sent her messages trying to express myself) and she blocked me again. this feels horrible, something beyond my comprehension. but the hard part for me to understand is that there is nothing in this world that seems like it's going to compensate for the bad things i did to her.

nobody cares that i'm going through this hell trying to figure things out, and nobody cares that i've done my best to be someone better ever since we broke up. and nobody should really care, to be honest - that's not why i've done these things, i've done it because i know this is the best thing i can do to myself and to better the lives of those around me.

but still, what is enough? i am not able to determine this, i need her opinion on it. and her blocking me kind of seals this fate of mine - that i will never be able to get past this, i will never be able to be clean again. right now, i just feel like these feelings i'm having aren't being recognized by her, and this frustrates me beyond everything else.

because the point is - if she told me that there is something to be done about this (other than forgetting about everything), i would do it in the same second. i would do what it takes for us to be together again, whatever that thing is. but it seems that there isn't. and she just vanishes in front of my eyes again without saying a word to me.

and she isn't open to seeing whatever i've done with my life and all of the things i've felt for the past years. she isn't obligated to do this - but in my deepest dreams, this would be what she needed to see me in a better light and give me another chance. and that's why this whole situation castrates me over and over.

right now i feel stuck in this fucking fat pig body of mine that cannot seem to have a single cell worthy of it's life. i feel disgusted by every single thing i've done and whatever the fuck i am right now. my fucking life is over - i will forever be this stupid fucking beast that should be tortured for the rest of its life. i do not deserve to be kept alive in this planet anymore.

if someone ever reads this ------> do not do what i'm doing here. please. you will always be wonderful, even with the flaws everyone else in this world has. you will always be able to find love because you deserve every single great thing in this world. love will find a way towards the deepest parts of your heart.