Untitled

16/02/2026 - 02:30

Disclaimer (18/02/2026, 00:20): when i initially posted this text i was in a pure state of shock and ended up writing some concerning things. this is not the goal of this blog - to display heavy emotions without any responsibility. in specific parts of this text i wrote things in the heat of the moment that i wouldn't write in a calmer state of mind - the mentions of suicide are something that i understand can make the reader worried (justifiably), but i do not wish to worry anyone without any reason - i will try to do better from now on. i still wanted to showcase this text (a slightly censored version) because everything here is important to me. i would also like to thank one of my mutuals here on neocities for taking the time to talk to me about some things. your contact/presence was one of the sweetest things i've ever seen.
ALSO your discretion is advised -> do not read anything here if you are dealing with psychological illnesses or are unconfortable with reading things about suicide, self-harm and other heavy topics.

i wanted to just blurt out anything i have to in this text. this is one of the more heavier ones, so please do not read anything here if you are dealing with depression/self harm/other psychological situations. still, on the topic of my last relationship:

at the end of february, in brazil, we have some parties known as the Carnaval. i've been dreading the approach of these dates because i knew she would go out with her friends. i am horrified of the fact that she may find someone there (as she did in the past). so, through something i'm not at all proud of - twitter stalking - i discovered that she indeed went to a party and it allegedly was her best day in this year so far.

Update (16/02/2026 11:50): she didn't go to a party, she stayed at her current girlfriend's house (i didn't really knew if she was still in the same relationship as last year's - or maybe this is another one). i don't know if this makes things worse or not. but this text's sentiments stay the same.

do i whole heartedly believe that she found someone else? no. but the doubt is killing me - and the fact that she had such a nice day makes me feel like i will be soon forgotten. i wanted to be at that party, i wanted to be a part of her life like i once was. we could be engaged right now if i wasn't the most disgusting person on the planet. i cannot stress enough the state of shock and terror i am in and i do not know what to do in this situation. this is sort of the last resort - publicize it (as it would do anything to me..) - before killing myself.

it feels like all of my worst nightmares are coming to fruition and i cannot do anything to help myself. i am crying so hard right now that i don't really know which words i should use. i just felt like i do not have any other place/person to talk to right now.

my mind is racing and i'm in a state of shock i didn't think was possible.

i wanted to time travel and do every single thing right, i wanted to relive everything and make her the happiest i can. this is not 'liveable'. this doesn't feel 'survivable'. i cannot comprehend the amount of pain that i am feeling right now.

i didn't commit any crime. i was a deeply flawed person, riddled with insecurities and other problems related to my living situation. what am i supposed to do to undo/compensate for all of the bad things i did because of these things? except being better than i was -> i am - and doing everything more responsibly from now on -> i already am too - ????????????????

does this suffering amount to nothing? do i seriously need to end my fucking life to end this torment?

i do not want to be fucking alive anymore. i want to end everything right now and i cannot understand how i got to this point. what can i do. please. tell me. what the fuck can i do??????????????

i cannot see myself without this amount of violence towards everything i am. it has been weeks since i last looked (really looked) at myself in the mirror. i feel like burying my head inside of the walls. i wanted to bash it against the walls until everything falls off. i cannot stress this enough - i have to kill myself at some point. this cannot go on - i cannot be this person anymore and the only thing i deserve in this life is pure hell.

--------> i love you more than anything in my life. i miss you all of the seconds of the day and i want to make you the happiest person in the world. i admire every single thing you are and i will forever love you with all of my heart. i'm extremely sorry for everything i've done to you and none of these things will ever happen again.