Mother

07/04/2026 - 17:50

everything i'm saying in this text is from my point of view. please understand this and take everything i say with a pinch of salt - although i'm not trying to paint my mum in a bad light, i may still forget/misunderstand things along the way.

yesterday i got into a huge fight with my mother over a bent nail. obviously the story is much more complicated than that - i was assembling this sideboard my mum bought in her efforts of renovating our apartment. i was hammering these nails to the back of the sideboard when i hit one incorrectly and bent it. i got frustrated when, after that, she said that she should've paid someone to assemble the whole thing (when i already did almost everything alone the day before).

i tried telling her that what she said frustrated me and she got extremely upset, which in turn got me upset aswell.. for some time now i've been avoidant of these types of conflicts with her and generally shut up instantly, but yesterday she kept on saying that she couldn't count on anyone, that she lived her whole life alone and that she'll die alone too. that always makes go so mad because i understand where she's coming from - she's lived a really tough life and i acknowledge it (that's the whole reason as to why i've been doing these manual parts of the renovation) - but she can not, for her life, understand that she deals with these traumas. and there's no one, in this entire planet, that can make her realise that.

we both started arguing and shouting (and i feel horrible, still, knowing i acted that way) and i told her about some things that i don't like in her - how she doesn't want to listen to me whenever something bothers her, how she talks over me all the time when we're in family gatherings (basically answering all questions made towards me) and how she (and my dad) have been taking so much of my agency during my early adult life (which i'm still in). and OBVIOUSLY i don't say these things because i want to make her feel bad, but because i wished she could acknowledge and stop doing them; that she could understand these things aren't helping me in any way..

and what i'd predicted would happen really happened - she started making herself seem like the victim of the entire world, that everyone always wronged her and that she cannot count on anyone. even today, as i tried talking to her in a calmer state (something that she would NEVER propose), she doubled down on everything.

i haven't been the easiest person to live with. my room is still the same mess since march 2024 (when i broke up with my ex-girlfriend) and i haven't been the happiest person ever. i know i've always been a grim person, but recently everything took a turn for the worse.. so i can understand why this might bother her.

but nothing i said was an attack towards her or the person she is. everything i said was the product of years of things she never even realised she did - and although i tried talking to her about everything, throughout all of these years, she always tried to victimize herself. today i stood in front of her, completely silent, while she told me everything she's been thinking (i hope) and how the world, and only the entire world (excluding her), wronged her.

this is something so complicated about her - she does not understand anything about her traumas, nor does she take action in finding a solution to it. she absolutely avoids putting herself in the position of asking others for help in working on these things. she has no self-awareness or humility in admiting the situation she's always been. and the result of this austerity is that every situation bothers her, triggers these overblown responses and breaks everything in her path. all because she desperatly tries to not seem vulnerable.

now, there's nothing about these discussions that made me happy. i'm not proud of anything i did and i tried communicating that to her, but she didn't care about it. i never wanted any of this to happen.. i am currently thinking about moving out - but with my "researcher's salary" i cannot afford something almost decent on my own.. i don't know what to do..

i wish i could end this text here (and i can, but i won't), but i still wanted to talk about something really important to me. maybe one of the things that most irritates me is her notion of having a child. her notion on what pregnancy means, to the mother, and what "creating a life" means.

for so many years she has made remarks towards her love of my once child-self, and how i used to be the most beautiful thing in the world (i kind of still am to this day..), all the while she completely negates everything i am - my interests, my way of talking, my way of looking at myself and how i treat others, etc.

i cannot shake the feeling that she's never really gone over my process of growing up and leaving the baby i once was to live in our memories. not once she celebrated my creativity, my love for music or my determination, but every day she thinks about how my face used to be so chubby and some 3 funny things i said when i could barely talk.

and this makes me sad because what in this world could i possibly do to fix this? what can i do if she does not accept me as a normal person?

on the other hand, she cannot understand that i am a separate person. that has been to different places than her, that talked to different people than her and saw a side of the world she cannot imagine (and vice-versa). and although advices are always welcome, she actively went against me whenever i tried doing something for myself. the way i look at it is that she had this plan laid out for my life in which i was never consulted. she had a notion of the person i was going to be while negating everything i am. this came to a boiling point when i came out to her as a trans woman and she completely broke down - because she thought i was going to have a life COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THAN THE ONE I WANT TO HAVE.

in no way she can understand how much i love certain things (music and painting), that i want to be of another gender, that i want to have a life of my own. that i want to try things out and have certain experiences. obviously i've been doing everything in the most responsible way i can, so safety shouldn't be a problem to her (unless she cemented this demented version of myself in her mind, in which i think this has happened too).

i'm currently trying to understand if all of these things had to happen/if they can be useful for the both of us. i feel like i said things that are important to me and she would've never listened to if i didn't deliver them in this heated way. but at the same time, i want to disappear. i feel this weird shame about everything. i don't want to make her go through the constant pain of not having the child she always wanted to have, for the rest of time. i will forever love her and be grateful for everything she's done to me, but i understand if we cannot be near eachother without blowing up everything around.

-> i will forever hate all babies and children up to 10 years old!