Anew

15/07/2026 - 00:10

i miss playing around with html and css. when i first started this website my daily routine was kind of random, i didn't have anything specific to do throughout the day besides rotting in my bed - so i had plenty of time to build this thing. now i've found myself in between of a billion assignments and some papers i'm not really fond of at the end of the day.

never before seen waves of self hate arrived at the port - i've developed this malaise that kind of ties me under the blankets, that removes all of the autonomy i've always loved having. besides, all of the dreams i have seem to be slipping away from me. the thought of pushing everything i love away is one i hate having all of the time, and today i feel like this is unavoidable. like i deserve to go through this and don't know how to stop it or how far should i go into it. but, slowly, i'm trying to go out sometimes and experience life a bit.

specifically, i've met a girl that i've been able to give some love to. she has a boyfriend (open relationship), but i don't mind that - maybe i still am not able to fully commit to someone else now. nothing has been able to ease the love i feel for my ex, but being able to share some good moments with another person has made me feel a bit better and i'm really thankful for her.

still, frustration is at an all time high after i've given all of me in an academic paper i've written for an upcoming symposium. althought i like writing, the subjects i've studied so far for my master's degree bore me a bit. since i began writing it, i've had numerous ideas for this website and some songs - i've even recorded some things i feel a tad proud of - but having something to do everytime kills me. one of the things i most hate in this world is to forget an idea i really like.

one of my worst traits is the pressure i give myself to exceed in things i don't really care about - academic achievements are things that seem so beautiful sometimes that i constantly catch myself doing the best i can just for the sake of them. but i kind of despise feeling like this, i despise trying so hard to be something i've never wanted to be and to lose touch with my reality, the things that make love life and the things around me.

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there are so many people that i love dearly that i will never see again - there are people that i've loved that i really wanted to talk to them again, that i feel like i could be better to them this time. everytime i think about all of these people vanishing i feel worthless, spiteful and a tad angry at myself - for not being the best i could, for not being able to hold inside some of my feelings.. but even when i dont externalize them in any way, things go wrong - and thats normal (i guess?).. but even so, i cannot look at myself in a good way after this happens.. i am constantly longing for the time i had these people around, i miss every single one so much. maybe i've written this section with some people in mind, and i miss them a lot. i wish i could send them a message, meet up, etc.etc. but i cannot and this is the way, somehow..

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today is my birthday. last year i was constantly having existential crises and yesterday i spent the whole day with these things in my head: even though these thoughts aren't as intense as back then, i've felt like some of them are always coming back in a smaller degree. thinking about being one year older (even if this distinction is purely arbitrary, i am not leagues older now than whatever i was yesterday) has freaked me out randomly - it seems like im at the edge of being seventy years old. one thing i caught myself constantly doing is overestimating my age - sometimes i think im almost thirty, but im not even twenty five.. i think this isn't simply going to vanish from my life at some point, but it will maybe make more sense. or atleast i hope it does. the fear i felt from the thought of ageing and dying is one i've never felt before, in such magnitude..

even with so many changes and new experiences, i still feel like the same person; i still feel the weight of the mistakes ive made, as i should..