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24/01/2026 - 20:20

as i've mentioned in the previous post, there's this personal problem i've been dealing with (mainly) since last year that i would like to share here in my personal page. although i said that there isn't any reason to publicize my personal matters, i still wanted to make this somewhat known to anyone that is exploring this extremely personal space of mine.

i don't think this is something that i should hide from anyone. i don't see myself feeling better about everything if anyone in the room i'm in (with the exception of the ones related to me in a more professional way) does not know about the bad things i've done. i have to accept this hole i've dug myself into.

below the dashed line is a text from 18/11/2025 where i talk about everything that went down in this situation but, please, take into consideration the shock i felt in that moment (that still persists in some form today). trigger warning - mentions of self harming and suicide. the text has a very dark tone also. please do not read anything below this paragraph if you're dealing with or don't like reading about these things.

in "summary" (i know this text is still huge): in early 2023 i met this girl on the internet and we became very close instantly. we started dating right after and, throughout our time together i wasn't the best partner. i was (still am at some degree) a bitter person that didn't really tried working out our problems together - i actively refused to be a better person and have a better outlook on life, to work around my personal problems of insecurity and depression. i had a trillion problems communicating what i felt to her and ignored a lot of the things she tried telling me. although i was never abusive (called her names, screamed at her or anything like that), at times i acted mean and didn't knew how to communicate some of the things i felt about her/our relationship. we ended things in early 2024 and she still needed my presence, but i tried distancing myself from her as much as i could in that moment because i got afraid of getting into a relationship with her again. i tried contacting her again late 2025, everything went horribly and now i'm filled with regret for acting in the dumbest way i could with her. i still love her with all my heart and there hasn't been a day where i haven't spent all my time daydreaming about meeting her in person again and living our best lives together.

-------------------- Text from 18/11/2025 12:50

Since 13/11/2025 I have made contact with my ex-girlfriend, whom I deliberately chose to distance myself while knowing how much I've had hurt her in our relationship. Every bad thing I've done to her is the result of years of unchecked trauma and insecurities that, through our time together, I chose to take it out on her because I couldn't understand how she liked me so much. After all of the rejection I put myself through, I found it very difficult to understand what our relationship was and how I could've taken that opportunity to finally heal myself from these past grievances.

She was understandably upset with me still and said in a very clear tone that I had done horrible things to her, that our relationship was something extremely hurtful and that I was sick for even trying to reach out to her after so much time had passed (a year and nine months), let alone the things I chose to say to her now. She said that we wouldn't ever be in contact again, let alone have a new relationship.

I can't stand myself right now. I'm filled with shame and resentment towards myself, because of the magnitude of the stupidity of my actions. In an effort to "be the bigger person", or "protect myself from something that would kill my future", I've distanced the very best thing that has ever happened to me. Throughout our time together I said horrible things to her, because those thoughts were already in my mind. I was already thinking that our relationship was something harmful to me and my future and that I would never be able to live life as I wanted to, be it in relation to the amount of people I haven't fucked or what I do with my free time.

I thought that she was somewhat spoiled, that she could be manipulative to get the things that she wanted. I was jealous of the past relationships that she had, which is very ironic because I've had people before her. I thought that she would spend all of the money I didn't have at the time and that I would be locked in something that prevented me from my dreams of receiving all of the attention in the world, be it as an artist or something else. I was so protective of these stupid dreams that I pushed her from the things I love, "because she could push away other attention I could've gotten". I felt that I should be with other women, that she wasn't enough to me and that in her attempts to enter my life I would never be able to feel satisfied with the things that she did to me, that I needed more people.

These sorts of thoughts (specially the ones about her being spoiled) were fueled by the comments my mother made. But in that moment I failed to understand that she didn't knew 1% about our relationship and that she was, afterall, an external person. I gave those type of comments too much space inside my head, and I turned into a bitter person that rejected certain advances my ex-girlfriend made towards doing fun things and me visiting her city, interacting with her family and entering even more her life.

Randomly, one thing that I've always thought about was how she would never feel alone in a party, that someone would always want her, and that is something that will never happen to me. That haunted me at the time because when we first started talking, she went to a party with her friend and she ended up kissing two (i think) guys there. We weren't in a serious relationship, but this only fueled these thoughts about how I've been through rejections my entire life and how I've never knew how to deal with them.

I felt the need to fuck more people, that she had had the time to do that and I've been a failure in that regard. I've never entertained anything with anyone while we were together, but I have to be honest and say that I've always been self conscious about that - something that has now changed. But in our time together, i felt somewhat of a resentment towards all of her experiences, and how I've always felt like life has been something that was taken from me, that I couldn't ever do the things I've always wanted. If only I knew.

Another important thing is this ungodly attraction that I feel towards pessimism, and how that affects the people I've surrounded myself with. Far too many times I've made myself feel worse (or even faked it) in an attempt to get something that, thinking about it now, I don't even know what it is. For so long I didn't cherish and actively ignored some of the small moments that made my life with her the sweetest thing I've ever lived. And this extends to every facet of my life.

I made such an effort to not only be miserable with myself, but to put her through everything bad I felt, all while she was the most brilliant thing in this world. She was always glowing, passionate about everything and the most loveable person I've ever seen.

She's in a new relationship now and surrounded by people that love her. She's in parties, goes to museums, restaurants, and is probably? living the best life she could after our horrible time together. I feel bad still, because I wanted to be a part of that. Maybe I've gotten even more jealous from seeing her finally being happy, in beautiful landscapes and around so many friendly people. That wasn't how she was with me.

I wrote two letters to her, sent 11/14 and 11/16. The first one I made filled with remorse and anxiety, where I explained some of the reasons as to why I took everything out on her (I only talked about the jealousy, I think) and made my intentions as to why I've contacted her clear (because I wanted to be in her life one more time). I believe she read that, but didn't respond. Yesterday I wrote another, talking about where my mind is now and explaining why I wrote those things to her. In reality, I think I just wanted to talk to her again. The second letter tells about everything I've imagined doing with her, meeting her friends, seeing her college's campus, interacting with her family and spending time together travelling, discover new museums and restaurants and, basically, living the best life I could with her. I said that I wanted to be her husband, and jokingly (I reckon that this moment isn't that appropriate for that, but still) said that she should break up with her boyfriend to be with me.

She said that I should go to a therapist and that I must've been crazy if I thought that that would work. I haven't felt this miserable in my whole life, and that is why I wrote those things. I wanted to be honest, as to what I've been dreaming ever since I sent her my first message. I understand that she could see these things as an offense. But I didn't feel like hiding anything I thought would help, and being more honest with everyone (most importantly myself) is something that I have to be better at.

She said that she was glad that I didn't live near her, because she and her friends/family? said that they were afraid of what I could do to her. I would never lay a finger on her, I don't even feel comfortable to go out of my house because of how ashamed I am at myself (this is something that I've already felt in another relationship I've had). I've never done anything like that, I've never abused someone and I took that with much offense, but stopped myself after she said "it's funny how that was the only thing that got to you", and she was right.

I am not capable of living my life after this situation. I can't see myself now without reminding of how smug, arrogant and full of pride I've been in this whole situation. I am completely regretful of everything I've done. I've felt the urge of harming myself. None of this should've happened and it's all my fault. I would be the best person I've ever been if I had taken this opportunity to be happy and made her infinitely happy. I cannot understand how I did this to myself and, most importantly, to her.

I lived my life after it, fucked other people and did almost everything that I wanted. And I'm nowhere now. I'm nothing now. I know I'm a changed person because I've had to deal with these insecurities again and I learned lots of things about myself, and a little bit of self care. But now I feel like I'm throwing everything at the window. Nothing really matters to me at this moment. I've been immersed in an unspeakable amount of regret since I've contacted her.

One huge problem that I've always had is that I am somewhat happy with the person I am, but because noone ever gave me a chance before I turned 18, throughout everything in my life, i've been trying to cope with these events. I never knew what was the huge problem every girl saw in me that I couldn't, and now I carry this around everytime I meet someone new. This doesn't justify anything I've done, but I feel like it's somewhat related to those things that happened. Maybe because of her appreciation and love, I felt like I deserved even more and actively tried to put her down because I felt like I deserved to make someone feel the same pain I've felt alone all this time. How I regret ever feeling this way.

I should've been more honest about everything. I should've made any effort to atleast make all of these things known to her and, most importantly, try to work everything out before it caused an argument or any of the things I've done up until now. I want to make the rest of my life about fixing everything bad I've done to her. She's the most important thing that has ever happened to me and I'm now dealing with this infinite amount of love that I feel towards her and will never reach it's destination.

I will forever love her with all my heart. I've never wanted her so much, and never wanted to kill myself this much. I will never forgive myself and don't know how I will live my life after this, or if I should even try doing it.