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24/01/2026 - 21:10

Please read the previous post for the right context.

in addition to what i showed in the previous post, i wanted to post this other log that talks about some things that i feel about (and other related situations) that whole story. i understand if anything i wrote there does not make any sense - it still felt important to me to share these things, as the text (specially the last five paragraphs) still resonates with me and what i think and feel about myself.

trigger warning - mentions of self harming and suicide. the text has a very dark tone also. please do not read anything below this paragraph if you're dealing with or don't like reading about these things.

------------ Text from 21/12/2025 20:01

i recently thought about how i feel about everything that's going on (and everything that's not happening but should). i am going to try to talk in a way much more external to myself - and it may sound too rational, or maybe i am someone extremely not rational (much more plausible) and that's why any amount of logic can't help me now.

it might not be a surprise to anyone that somehow reads these things but i have serious problems with my self esteem and how i judge myself.

i could try to forget everything that happened, all of the harm that i caused to her - or i could understand that i had a billion problems (i still have), messed up and didn't knew how to work around it to keep her close to me - and, ultimately, accept it, move on and not mess up in the same way with another person.

but i don't want to do this. i feel like i'm not allowed to do this. i did horrible things and i have to suffer because of it, until this is resolved (she comes back).

for so many days i've asked myself why everyone thinks their opinions and feelings matter - or better, why mine don't. when i was a child i became "attracted" (i won't say that child me knew what really was attraction, no kid could ever know) to other girls my age, but that never mattered. no matter how great of a person i tried to be, no one ever wanted me - all the while (please don't read this as me being a super incel nice guy type of person) they wanted a bunch of trash guys that i absolutely despised. how could i ever feel great about myself in this situation? how can i say that every single girl was stupid at the time for not looking at me in a positive way?

to this day, there hasn't been one person that became attracted or curious about me because of an in person interaction. i could go to a million clubs and still not get looked at (in a minimally interesting way) by one single woman. i've never met anyone that wanted something more with me in person, why? how can i feel like i am worth something after this?

i believe it was only when i was 18 years old that someone appeared on tinder and wanted to interact me a lot. then, i sort of messed up with that person (nowadays she says that she was the one to mess up things, but still). i remember i tried everything i could to reach out to her about how ashamed at myself i felt in that moment, but nothing really happened.

in that moment, i could only think about how no matter how much i punish myself and be better than who i was, this situation won't ever be resolved in the way it should be, in the way i fought so much all of my problems for.

****nowadays we're good friends. after i broke up with my girlfriend i contacted her and from then on our relationship got better. she helps me with a lot of things that i'm going through and i always try to do the same.

these last paragraphs were kind of random, i'm sorry. in summary, my point is: i can't live alone, isolated from humanity. i'm constantly surrounded by society and it's expectations for all human beings and, whatever it is i want to do, i need the approval of other people. i can't love all by myself, i can't go to a cafe with someone if that person doesn't want to do it. i can't have sex by myself. i can't live the life i want without her and her approval. how can i do anything that makes me happy if i will always need these sorts of things from other people?

and now that i'm getting crushed by guilt and regret, i can't be a great person if i am not being handed the opportunity to change. i cannot be better if i can't do anything right in this moment, no matter how vital it is to me to do better.

........

my father cheated on my mom multiple times while i was growing up - that's one of the reasons as to why our relationship isn't one of the best, as he didn't live with me for a long time. besides that, he was an extremely toxic person, that gave the impression that he was trying everything to distance himself from me and my mother (looks like i got this habit from someone). he was never a friend to us and never tried to be one.

while i was at his graduation party, a bunch of his friends said that he is (and has always been) an incredible person. besides that, i discovered that he and his (at the time) girlfriend went to europe at the start of 2025 and, in front of the eiffel tower, he asked her in marriage - because of these things, i got weirded out.

not because he can't be a nice person - i (kind of) know he is and sort of know the place from where they are saying these things. but still, my father wasn't ever drowning in guilt for what he's done to my mother (and to me, to a certain extent).

it's because of how he can just keep living his life. how he accepts all of the respect his friends and the military personnel that work with him give him all of the time.

if i can't stand the person i was (and the one i am now) and would do anything to fix things, why can't i have the opportunity to be a better person to her? how can he live his life knowing about everything he's done? how can someone be so respected after this and why am i not accepting this same respect from the friends that are trying to comfort me?

i know. maybe i'm demanding too much from the game of life by wanting to do everything with her - again, i can do these things with other people. but i don't want to. i don't love someone else besides her. she is my only love in life and nothing makes sense without her.

i can't stand myself right now. i am looking at everything i am with this colossal amount of hatred and anger and i want to disappear. i will never be a great person to be around, no matter how much i try. i am horrible. it has been impossible to not look at myself like this tragedy to humanity.

i caused insurmountable amounts of horror to all of the people near me and everything i deserve is hell. what is the fucking point of learning a trillion lessons to still be the trash human being i am and always will be. i definitely do not deserve any amount of humanity or life itself. i should end it all.

i love you. i need you in my life. please come back or let me get into your life again. please. i will always love you, for all eternity.